Been a while since I posted anything even partially significant. It's like I've been running away from this since last week. In all honesty I wrote quite a bit but never posted any of it 'coz I got scared. Scared of her reading it and getting upset maybe. Scared of just being to re-read it myself. Also whatever I did end up writing was never good enough, or satisfactory enough. It didn't totally read the way I wanted it to. So I figured why waste space.

Realized a little while back that this entire blog is a waste of space. No one really reads it. Those who do don't care enough to ever say anything. Those who ever say anything, fight with me about the stuff I've put on it. I'm yet to get a sympathetic comment or a hug or something to show me that anyone actually cares. Which is why I sometimes question the reasons why I'm blogging. Am I honestly just doing it for myself or do I need people to read this and understand my life? I honestly have no clue at this point in time. Hopefully someday I'll figure that out and when I do, this blog may be permanently terminated.

Been meaning to write a little something for my Creative Writing class. Want to do well in this stupid course to be able to tell myself that I am a decent writer. For some reason I seem to be less creative then everyone else in that class. That's probably because I've forced myself to live in the 'Real' world. I block out my own imagination because I've gradually become scared of it. I've become scared of thinking to some extent. Seems like every time I think, I end up thinking the wrong things--I end up doing the wrong things.

Which is why I've banned my brain from processing excessive data concerning people in my life. All thoughts are now classified into sections. The thoughts about important people in my life are stored up for future reference (future reference being the time I lie in bed and don't fall asleep) Insomnia's starting to take over for the first time in my life. Don't get much shut-eye till
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Had an argument with Xeb while I was writing this post. Didn't manage to complete it and now I'm back after about 3 hours trying to finish this somehow. Keep having these arguments on and off. Generally they end up in the same way. I become stubborn and turn on my sarcastic mode. She tells me she's hurting and I tell her I don't care because I'm hurting too, or something to that effect. Then we get more and more pissed off at each other till eventuallly I tell her I need to be alone.
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With the aside done, I was saying that I don't get much sleep till I've got some thinking done and till I know what my next step will be. Need to figure out where to go from where I stand at any given time. Kept me from sleeping because I have no idea where I'm headed or what I'm going to do. Maybe it's this uncertainty that's kept me going on a path where I already know a secure destination is within my reach. The fear of being swept into the unknown keeps me from cutting off the ropes that bind me. These ropes give me security. These ropes are comfortable in their continuous predictable discomfort.