How do you explain to people that, in a span of five weeks, your life has been turned upside down due to circumstances created and fostered by you, yet seemingly beyond your control? How can anyone understand that the only reason you can manage to put on a brave face is that you accept that these circumstances were of your own creation? How do you show the world that you hate yourself for what you have done, and are doing, more than anyone else ever could?

If it weren't for my self-proclaimed lack of emotion and a self-promoted aura of detachment, it might be easier for those around me to see that inside I'm a scared little kid who craves the comfort and security that social contact provides. However, after a foolish attempt to drive away the one person who's seen and sorted out the mess inside me, I've now resorted to laying out my life in front of those around me as a way to try and maintain the 'emotionless asshole' image. It's easier presenting to the world all that transpires in my misbegotten life and allow them to see the wreckage that I've created. This way atleast when I kill myself people will see why.

Not that I'm planning on killing myself any time soon. Au contraire, reports of my demise have been greatly exaggerated. I'm alive and I'm still in the game, ladies!

Also, although my life now stands totally upside down, I’m considerably painlessly happy. After some contemplation on the nature of my situation as of last night, I have also concluded that, self-created as it is, it’s not entirely disastrous. My exit from a perfect and seemingly divinely ordained relationship has resulted in almost everyone questioning my sanity. I profess to have done that myself of late, yet always without regret. A desire for a no-strings-attached fling shall yet remain unfulfilled despite appearances. Consequences, bloody, motherfucking, unforeseen conse-fucking-quences!

One good thing resulted yesterday though. I’m no longer being dragged along, leashed onto HOPE! Now that I know there is no hope, I can fuck the illusion of ‘sharafat’ that I’ve been trying to create and just live my life the way I see fit. Fuck my attempts at normalcy coz a normal life just isn’t meant for me. If everyone in the world is so very concerned with my personal life and my involvement with women, how about I give them something to really talk about?!

Now THAT would be entertaining!