Yet again I’m thoroughly sick of women constantly being so very uptight about the sort of man they want. You women have perpetual issues with men demanding ‘sati sawitris’ for wives. You harp on about how men, especially Pakistani men, cannot deal with independent women who chose to follow their dreams and actively pursue a professional career. If any man—father, brother, boyfriend or husband—dares to attempt to get in your way, the rest of your kind will go on a psychotic rampage about it. You call it Feminism.

Well here’s some Masculinism for all of you!

Men have histories! Those histories tend to make them who they are. The number of women I’ve slept with defines what sort of a person I am at given moment in my life. The role women have played in my life gives me the respect (or lack thereof) for women that I know. My experience with women makes me treat you the way I do and you should be glad I know most of what I do. My experience with women allows me to know what lines I’m allowed to cross and when I should restrain myself. My experience with women makes me confident of myself around you and your girlfriends. I’m smart, funny, witty and sure of myself because I’ve been around women long enough. And you know how I know just how to wrap my arms around you—just the perfect way to make you comfortable? I’ve practiced that a whole lot!

I may not hold doors open or lay down my cloak for you, but chivalry comes in a new packing these days. Chivalry today is packaged as an inoffensive (mostly), caring (almost always), smart guy who knows when to back off and when to come forward as protector in your typical D.I.D. situation. (That’s Damsel-In-Distress for those of you who don’t know.) The contradiction here is that all you women want a guy who’ll protect you but not be over-protective. So, if someone grabs your ass at a party, your P.C. (but obviously Prince Charming!) must needs fight for your honor. If he suggests a more modest mode of attire as a preventive measure though, he’s already crossed the line into forbidden territory. Not only does he deserve a very icy cold shoulder for that, he will necessarily be reminded of his guffaw each time you’re stepping out of the house together.

If a woman passes by me, regardless of your presence, I will check her out. If I hadn’t been checking women out since puberty hit, I would never have noticed your rapidly-growing ass and wouldn’t have thought up ways of tapping it. I will give you enough respect to not go up to a random hot ass and flirt with her—atleast while you’re around. I reserve the right to whistling, commenting and prolonged staring when particularly fine specimens approach my visual radius.

You are ‘My Bachi’! You will be ‘My Bachi’ for as long as we’re together. Do not attempt to force me to refer to you as anything else. The day you threaten to withhold physical associations in order to force a change in title for yourself will be the day the process of your removal from ‘My Bachi’-status begins. If you believe that referring to you as ‘My Bachi’ is somehow demeaning and insulting, let me know. Your concerns will be duly noted even if no action is subsequently taken on them.

Asking me to leave The Boys, or attempting to isolate me from The Boys, is a method of relationship-suicide. I will give you the time you need but The Boys will always be The Boys. I don’t ask you to give up your bitch/gossip sessions with your girlfriends. You don’t ask me to give up my laundas.

While in company of The Boys, I will pass certain comments and allegedly say certain things which may displease you. References to the rapidly-increasing size of your butt and your ‘that-time-of-month’ issues will randomly be made during time with The Boys. Ignore all such information if and when you fall upon it. If confronted about it, I will admit the truth under duress, but you will suffer the consequences.

Consider none of this a threat. This is just a mere statement of fact. Masculinism is all around you. Ignore it at your own peril.

Obviously, in return for your understanding, accepting and abiding by the above, I will always say no when asked if you’ve gained weight, give my honest opinion about how you look in that dress (“Just fabulous, Jaan. I wish you’d wear such clothes more often.”) and agree wholeheartedly about how much of a bitch that ubër-hot babe with the cute ass, huge tits and pouty lips is.

Makes life easier for all of us now, don’t it?!