Just got asked about my love-life by an old, close friend. Told her I don't want to take a risk! HA!

I must be turning into one of those Fakers I hate so much. People who say one thing and turn around and do another. Hypocrites. Liars. Cheats. And I'm joining their ranks. I proclaim that I'm in love. But I'm still avoiding risk. I'm hiding from my reality. Hiding from the reality of a commitment. But then I wonder sometimes if it's time for me to make a commitment. And each time the answer I get is "No."

I'm not ready for a commitment which is why I'm not making one. But then, isn't telling someone you love them making a commitment? Have I not already made that commitment? Interestingly enough, going out is a commitment bigger then marriage. Personal opinion, but I think that's the way it is. Dating requires more of a commitment from both people because you're always afraid the other will walk out. The insecurity helps. And I'm very very insecure!

I'm afraid she'll get up one morning and think, "Why am I with this creep?" I'm afraid she'll figure out that she's better off without me and that I'm just a waste of her time. I'm afraid she'll grow up and realize I'm still a child inside. Chances are she wouldn't want to be with this child. She'll realize she's made the wrong decision. She'll walk out!

How do you deal with rejection? How do you deal with having "your heart broken"? Do you just move on? Do you hang on to something just to keep you sane? Sometimes, insanity is the only release. And here I sit wishing for insanity, hoping for my mind to abandon me.

"Leave me, my soul, for I am unworthy of living."

Maybe I just think too much. Maybe she knows what she's doing. Maybe she knows better then I do. She probably does. She is smarter then me. She's also more mature. Definitely more sane. Which is probably why I'm in love in the first place.

Or maybe it's just because she is so wonderfully amazing. She knows me better then I know myself. She understands me better then anyone else. Hopefully, someday she can love me as much. For now, all I feel is a sense of relief. The Big Guy up there must have liked something I did 'cause I sure as hell can't figure out how I've managed to get her. I know for sure that I don't deserve her. Just hope she doesn't wake up and figure out what a creep I am.

Then I kiss your eyes and thank God we're together
And I just wanna stay with you
In this moment forever, forever and ever