I'm a Corporate Traitor.

The Corporate Whoredom is a Lifestyle. It's not a job -- not a 9to5 -- or just something you do to make money or even a life choice. It's a Lifestyle -- and I'm living it. This Lifestyle is all about embracing the wonderful Corporation that provides for you, creates an instant family for you, gives you instant friends and puts you inside a bubble that will nurture and protect you right up the Corporate Monkey-Ladder. (Did I say Monkey? But obviously I meant Money!) The Lifestyle is, thus, about embracing not just the Corporation as a whole but every tiny little cog in the gigantic machinery. (For those of you who know, being that cog is something I never envisioned for myself and something I never wanted to be)

Embracing the cogs means not just the people but the product they create. Hence, the fiasco with Pepsi being banned at my office because Coke is our client. Corporate Patriotism! It's like a whore with sexual ethics. I'm just glad I've always been a Coke person. I don't get Pepsi drinkers anyway.

My treachery began when I joined this job, and did not throw away my shower gel. As far as products for competition are concerned, my client’s direct competition in most markets is Unilever. So it’s ok if you use products from smaller, non-competitive firms but, like the Pepsi-Coke battle, Unilever products are Devil’s spawn. Which is why I shouldn’t be using Axe!

Which is also why, when my brother brought up the bar of Lifebuoy, I shouldn’t have unwrapped it and proceeded to use it. The guilt, it eateth away at me!

Oddly enough, the only P&G products I regularly see around my house are Pampers and Pantene! And of course I use Gillette to shave. After shaving though, I put on Axe Aftershave. And the Axe shower gel is just a luxury I allow myself.

I don’t want to be a traitor. I want to conform. I want to embrace the Lifestyle. I want to be the Ethical Whore. Somebody help me!